A few years ago I sat across from a friend who had walked away from following Jesus, and I felt my confidence drain. I kept scrambling for the right way to handle it: honest about what I believed, but careful not to make him feel judged.
Half of me wanted to keep things warm. He had grown calloused to church, and I did not want to be one more Christian who made him feel pressured. The other half kept running through everything I believed was true, hoping to say all of it before he changed the subject.
So I did the thing I always did back then. I leaned so hard toward being nice that I never said anything that mattered. I drove home relieved, and a little ashamed.
For years I treated love and truth like a dial I had to set by hand. Turn it too far toward truth and I became cold, and friends knew what I was going to say before I said it, almost with an eye roll. Turn it too far toward love and I felt comfortable but had nothing substantial to offer. I lived afraid of getting the dial wrong.
Here is what finally took the pressure off: There is no dial.
I had been asking, “is this a moment for truth or for love?”, when the real question is “how do I carry both at once?” Look at how John describes Jesus: he came full of grace and truth. Not a careful blend, not 60/40 depending on the room. Both, at full strength, in one person, at the same time. If that is who he is, truth and love were never two settings to balance. They are ONE posture to grow into.
Think about the two sides for a second.
Love-only feels kind, but doesn’t promote change or action. The moment something needs to be said or clarified, you don’t, and it continues.
Truth-only feels faithful and righteous, but it can turn into a weapon. The Pharisees had the truth and almost nothing else. Jesus called them whitewashed tombs. Right content, wrong posture, and it produced the very people who killed him.
Neither side is the actual road. The road runs between them, and that is exactly why it is hard. Both sides feel easier than staying on the narrow path.
And here is a distinction I continually miss here. There is a weight you are meant to carry with someone, the weight of their suffering, where you just “weep with those who weep.” But then there is the weight of sin, which you do not pick up and carry alongside them. Real love helps a person set that down. Bearing that kind of burden can quietly become helping them hold something that is crushing them. (Gal 6:1-5)
So how does this actually work?
Love leads. Not because truth matters less, but because that is how God approaches us. Romans 2:4 says it is his kindness that leads us toward repentance. He went to the cross, while we wanted little to do with him. The demonstration came before the call.
Leading with Love is a process, not a switch I flip mid-sentence. In the moment, I stay truthful while I listen and loving while I speak.
Watch Jesus with the rich young ruler in Mark 10. He looked at him and loved him, and in the same breath named the one thing he lacked. The man walked away disheartened. Love did not mean softening the truth, even when it cost him.
This is where my own instinct to only call people up goes wrong. You cannot honestly call someone up to the best version of themselves without being honest about where they are. Jesus told the woman caught in adultery neither do I condemn you, and without pausing, go and sin no more. Calling someone up while staying silent about what is broken is not truth, it is flattery. I can refuse to condemn the person and still name the thing honestly. Those were never in tension.
One thing to consider
Who I am talking to changes the emphasis. With a friend just curious about God, I lead almost entirely with invitation. It is not my job to inventory their sin, and that same kindness is what draws people in.
With someone who has decided to follow Jesus, there is more room for direct, gentle correction, the kind that first takes the plank out of my own eye. Same singular posture. Different proportions.
Here is the honest trap, and I fall into both. My kindness can quietly become a way to avoid a truth that feels uncomfortable. And my truth-telling can quietly become a box I check, said once and considered done. Both are shortcuts dressed up like righteousness. The cure for both is the same: stay in the relationship through the discomfort.
One thing to try this week
Name the side you drift toward. Truth or Love? Then find a verse that keeps pulling you back, and write it down. For me, it is Colossians 4:6:
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Here is a list for you to get started:
Ephesians 4:15 — "Speaking the truth in love." The whole thesis in four words.
John 1:14 — Jesus came "full of grace and truth." Both, in one person, no tension.
1 Peter 3:15-16 — Give your answer "with gentleness and respect." The conversation verse.
Colossians 4:6 — "Conversation always full of grace, seasoned with salt."
1 Corinthians 13:1-2 — Without love, even truth is "a clanging cymbal."
